Hey y’all! From the title of this post y’all probably know where I’m going with this but if not, let’s talk about cheating. More specifically, let’s talk about that “make it up to me” phase in cheating.

First things first, you find out they’ve cheated now what?! If you’re anything like me you probably have a million and one thoughts going through your head, you’ve lost your appetite, and every time you look at them you get angry all over again. You feel so hurt but you don’t go to your usual person or family for advice because deep down you know it’s a possibility you’ll stay and you don’t want to tarnish the reputation of your partner with your person or family member. Because of this, you end up going through it alone and driving yourself crazy to figure out each and every single detail. As if your feelings aren’t hurt enough, you then put on that one R&B song that details every feeling you’re going through on repeat (For me it’s Resentment by Beyoncé) and sing it at the top of your lungs while wallowing in your sorrows.

Cool! But then what?! It’s only so long you can wallow in your sorrows because you have to deal with the situation at hand. This brings me back to the premise of this post, are you staying to see how he “makes it up to you” or are you staying because you truly want to stay?

Sis, if you honestly feel like your partner is sorry and you want to stay with them then stay… but let it be your choice to stay! Don’t let deep conversations about how they will change, the begging you to stay, the wining and dining, or even the tears cloud your judgement. Deep down, your mind was probably already made up when you found out about it so trust your judgement and don’t let that “make it up to you” phase change your mind!

Think about it, your partner can do literally everything you want them to do and you stay because you are initially happy. But this happiness is circumstantial and the moment they mess up its right back to square one and your chastising them about cheating because you feel entitled or owed something because they’ve cheated and you stayed. This then becomes a cycle and no progression is being made because you always go back to that place of hurt. In efforts to combat this issue I think the best way to handle infidelity in a relationship if the cheatee chooses to stay is to replace the “make it up to me” phase with the “working on us” phase.

In my opinion the “make it up to me” phase does three things: 1) Tarnish your viewpoint! This is done by the cheater overcompensating in the beginning to get back in good graces of the cheatee. 2) Gives False Hope! When getting wined and dined the cheatee’s mindset reverts back to the good times that then causes them to latch on to the possibility of what could be. 3) Gives a sense of superiority to the cheatee! In a relationship you should be equals with your partner during good and bad times. If at any moment the cheatee feels as though they are better than the cheater because of what they did and to them, most likely you all shouldn’t even be together to begin with.

By replacing the “make it up to me phase” with the “working on us” phase you are addressing the fact that you are two individuals choosing to be in a relationship despite the hurt that has been caused and truly invested in the growth and development of each other. You are creating an environment that fosters communication and progression. You are equally being vulnerable in the situation and building the trust back with one another. You are understanding that you all love each other deeply but working on liking each other even more. You are viewing the situation as two individuals choosing to make things not only work but last. By doing all of these things, you are taking the initial steps to assure that the damage done won’t control your relationship moving forward!

In short, sis if you want to stay with that man, stay with that man! If you want to leave that man, leave that man! But whatever you do make sure you’re doing it because of you and the betterment of your peace!

-Sy.M.Ba

“Trusting you is my decision. Proving me right is your choice.” -Unknown

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