Hey Y’all! As I have previously mentioned I am a part of a book club and this post was inspired by the book I am reading this month, Don’t Settle for Safe by Sarah Jakes Roberts. The chapter that sparked a need for a post was Chapter 6 entitled, Forgive and Remember. In this chapter she talks about the importance of forgiving people and accepting people for exactly who they are rather who you expected them to be. She talks through the importance of being able to vividly see someone through their trauma and not blame them for the circumstances that have occurred between you and them. She speaks on how hurt people hurt people and further elaborates that just because someone does an evil thing to you doesn’t justify you labeling them evil rather understanding they are broken. But the quote that inspired this post was specifically about closure. She states, “we make mistakes when we allow our ability to forgive to be contingent on whether we receive closure from the person.”
This quote personally called me out! I am a being that felt closure was needed in any situation and always felt that closure was always two sided and included you and the person you are choosing to walk away from. I saw closure as some fairy tale ending that needed to happen in almost all of my relationships and friendships. I saw closure as two individuals saying their final goodbyes from a journey that they both endured together, painfully or enthusiastically. I saw closure as that final chance to see someone that meant everything to you at one point in your life but as life happened turned into a mere memory. In reality though, closure isn’t really any of these things!
To my millennial girl bosses, I think we all have been there! You have a friend or partner that is simply toxic and you are ready to walk away but you just need closure to say your final goodbyes. Because of this, you reach out to the toxic person and schedule some time to either meet in person or talk over the phone. After all of this, you finally meet. Was it anything like you pictured it to be? I don’t know how this story ended for you all but for me it was always all bad. It always either ended in an argument, one last intimate goodbye, or even back where I started. My most vivid memory of an incident I had because I was urging closure being me putting a moving car into park and almost killed the both of us (another story for another time LOL)!
This then had me further thinking was I truly searching for closure or was I hoping for a rekindling of some sort? In the book Roberts says, “closure is never about another person. It is reconciliation with one’s self” and this blew my mind! All this time, I was looking at closure being these final powerful words or explanation for why someone did something to me or why something isn’t working when in reality, I should have been working on myself. I should have been finding it within myself to see that person I was seeking closure from as who they truly were not seeking that one final conversation that in my mind would solve years of pain. I should have looked at the situation for what it was and not let my emotions about the person cloud my judgement. Most importantly, I should have been taking steps to heal so I could build my happy whole self back up after the years of trauma I was putting myself through with that toxic person.
“Now all I can wonder is who I would have been had I never let my expectations distort the reality of who you have always been.” — Sarah Jakes Roberts