Hey y’all! How are you?! Me, I’m doing well. Mental health is doing good. Social life is picking up. Spring is coming. I’m still on the hunt to find my dream property and about to embark on my no heat journey from April- September. All in all life is good but that’s not why I’m making this post. I’m making this post to speak about being a background friend.

What is a background friend? Well according to an iteration of a tweet that was posted by @Queentrashcan a background friend is someone who doesn’t fit in with any particular group of friends, they are all closer with each other and you sometimes link on but you are not permanent with no one. @Queentrashcan even goes on to explain that background friends think about those people often but as a background friend we feel like those thoughts aren’t reciprocal. I’ll be the first to admit, I am a background friend! After reading this tweet it then made me reflect on all of my friendships and I often have those thoughts about people. These aren’t negative thoughts because those are essentially the friendships that I in part created with people.

To further elaborate, I played a huge role in creating the background friend dynamic with my friends. I’m very self reserved so when I get invited into larger social circles I get overwhelmed and latch onto one person. Due to this, I only put in effort to expand my relationship with only one person (sometimes none) of the group and let the others just fester. Am I a good friend? Yes! But I’m very choosy on who I allow into my tribe and because of this I’ve subconsciously identified myself as a background friend.

Is this a bad thing? Yes and No. I say it’s not a bad thing because you don’t have to deal with the stress that comes with being apart of a large group of friends. To elaborate further, have you ever been apart of a large group of friends that had two different sets of friend groups within that group? I have and that further caused friction amongst the group and ended in the demise of the entire friendship. Just thinking about it overwhelms me! By being a background friend you don’t have to deal with that. You have your select few people that your close with and you don’t have others challenging your friendship.

What you do have to deal with though is planning for bigger events when your trying to celebrate one of your accomplishments. This can be very hard because your tribe doesn’t necessarily know one another well and commingling can get very awkward if you don’t have a social group. Your then forced to be the connecting factor for everyone and playing hop scotch throughout the entire event. But hey, at least you’re truly the center of attention and the glue that brought everyone together if you’re into those things (I’m not). It also gets hard when you urge for a good girls trip but you don’t have the right group of girls that just mesh together.

All in all, if your a background friend don’t work yourself up about it honestly! It’s probably for the better. It’s ok to wish good onto other people and think about them from time to time. Don’t spend too much time on it though. If you want to change from background friend status, challenge yourself to be more open and vulnerable. I think friendships thrive when you have positive vulnerable commonalities (the negative commonalities lead to toxicity) and two people willing to put the work in. Just like romantic relationships, communication is key so be open to talking and really developing that friendship! I think as millennial girl bosses (myself included) we often don’t value the importance of good true all girl tribes because we’ve been hurt so much in the process. The truth is, they are out there, you just have to be open to them and allow them in. In the end, you are the person making yourself a background friend not them!

So to close, are you cool with being a background friend or will you begin to change your status?! Me? I’m fine with being a background friend for now but I’m open to changing my status should the right tribe present itself.

-Sy.M.Ba.

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” – Dale Carnegie

Celebrating more life with two OG members of my tribe!
The tweet that inspired this post.

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